A Smile per Request

THANK YOU ALL FOR THIS!!!!

A Quarrel To Rise Above

• BACKGROUND:
  
  Last week after my event, I was approached by an acquaintance in the community who had questions for me about what this surgery was going to do for me and why I was asking the community for help. Comments were made about my asking the community for support was abusive. She also mentioned that I already had a fundraiser 4 years ago when I lost my house and cat in a house fire. This was a difficult blow. I took it to heart. I received this email this morning from this woman who took the time to write me and I wanted to take the time to respond. I am posting it because its been a really intense experience for me. But also because there are a lot of views out there. And I want to respect and honor them all, even if I don't agree. But the only way we can try to understand each other better, even if its painful, is to communicate.
  
  FROM ANONYMOUS:
  
  I wanted to apologize for the way I talked to you last weekend or 2 ago now. I did have some questions about your use of a community fundraiser but would have been wise not to talk to you after drinking those brutal jello shots... that were bought to support you. It really came from a genuine place of wanting to know why a person who seems to have so much is having a fundraiser for something that some of my friends have almost taken their life for because they couldn't afford it. I apologize for bringing some of that onto you. It was not my intent to make you feel bad. I hope you know how fortunate you are to be a part of a community that loves and supports you no matter how many times you ask for it. I would like you to know that I wish you the best and hope your operation goes smoothly and it helps make you feel like more of the person that you are.
  
  
  

  MY VERBOSE RESPONSE: 

  While I really appreciate you reaching out to apologize, this email appears to be simply reiterating what you already told me last week (albeit – presumably sober this time). You are entitled to your feelings and views, and I will always respect our freedom to have varying stances.

  However, you don't really know me. This email and the views you expressed are full of assumptions about me. I am sorry your friends have struggled with their gender identities to the point of near suicide. And I really hope they are better now and have found what they need to be happy. The difference here is that you don't know me or what I have struggled with in regards to my gender identity and presentation my whole life. I don't make public my struggles and I surely won't share them here as this does not feel like a safe space. But it has been a challenge and a struggle for as long as I can remember. And I am not comparing or contrasting to your friends because I don't know them, just like you don't know me. And it’s futile to compare because we all have our own struggles and challenges.

  And you are entitled to feel that those going through this transition must have a blade to the wrist to be "allowed" to ask the community for assistance. Or must be without child. But I don't. And luckily, a majority of the community doesn't either.

  People ask for community support in a plethora of ways all the time. When someone gets married or has a bachelor/ette party or an engagement party or a baby shower or you name it...We as a community/ group of friends show up--both in financial ways as well as time and energy and HOPEFULLY (and most importantly) with love and support. We don't as a society, berate those people if they are what we on the outside view as well off or NOT down and out. We come together and celebrate and commemorate big changes and important times in peoples’ lives.

  And more importantly, if for whatever reason, you are not in a place in your life to support the event or you don't support the marriage or whatever it is, etc.., you just don't go to the event. However, I don't see a value in going to the event and then telling the person having the event how hard it was to be there, and pay money to them, and that they are abusing the community by throwing a party.

  And in my queer community, top surgery benefits have become this type of commemorative event. I have personally supported several of these events. Some of them for people I knew well and others for people I barely knew. But for me, it was a cause I believed in because I could empathize with this desire and understand the struggle to get this surgery paid for since society and insurance views it as an elective procedure.

  I would have been more than happy to have a real open conversation last week but your questions turned into judgments and I quickly felt unsafe. What was, one of the most special amazing nights in my life where I felt held and loved and supported, abruptly turned into an awful conversation that left me feeling really sad and terrible about myself and my decisions. I struggled with this fear and vulnerability about asking others for help for a long time. And you just nailed me right where it hurt most. I have worked really hard since last weekend to recover and be reminded of those that get me and know me and support me.

  I absolutely feel fortunate to be part of this community and if anything, it is last weeks conversation that reminded me of JUST how grateful I should be of those that do support me. And I only hope that I can continue to pay it forward ten-fold.

  I appreciate you explaining to me where you are coming from. I just felt that I should do the same.

  
  

  
  

POST EVENT UPDATE: 

I just wanted to send my gratitude to everyone who came out on Saturday to celebrate with me and help me get closer to my goal!!!

I was able to raise $1245 on Saturday night alone AND combined with the most generous online contributions, I have raised a total of $3435!! Which leaves me only $424 short for my surgery date next week.

Words cannot even begin to describe how honored and touched I am to have the support of my family/friends/community. While I appreciate the financial support ( and without it I would not be able to get surgery)..it goes beyond the dolla dolla bills.

This decision was one that took me years to actualize. Both because of my own complex process around gender and also my inability to financially afford it and my struggle in asking others for help. I look around and feel so grateful for all that I have in my life but this piece has always been missing or rather, has been ever so present (aka my boobs). And it took a lot to ask folks to help me with this when there are people who need food/water/shelter. I want to and plan to dedicate my life and my work to helping those less fortunate but I struggled with my conscience in asking my community to help me make this dream of mine a reality. I asked and the community answered with unbounding support for my needs with $/Love/emotional support/tips/advice/herbal remedies, etc...

I cannot thank you all enough. Just knowing you all have my back and that you get why this is a big step and how important it is to me is priceless and more than I could ever ask for.

Over and out.
xoxo
Bullet

We are having a beer bust to help raise money for my top surgery in December. The fundraiser party is on Saturday December 1st from 4pm-8pm at Truck on Folsom and 15th. $10 gets you a cup for UNLIMITED beer. We will have jello shots and a raffle and music by DJ Campbell (Cari Campbell). 
  
Please forward far and wide and we hope to see you there. 
  
If you have items or services to donate for the raffle, we would be SO grateful. Email me or click on the tab above and sign up. 
  
I am so grateful to my community for supporting me in this huge life change that will make me a happier and more complete person. 
  
All my love. xoxo

Hi Dearest Friends/Family/Community:

I am getting chest reconstructive surgery on December 13th (aka top surgery).

This has been a big decision after many years of deep introspection and contemplation. I feel extremely fortunate to have a family that supports my decision and to live in a community where this major surgery comes as no surprise to people. I think about people like me in small towns in this country or in almost any other spot in the world and I can not believe how lucky I am to be here in San Francisco and to have people like you to support me emotionally in this process. I am also so fortunate that there is a skilled surgeon right here in San Francisco, so I can accomplish this surgery without the added expense of travel.

That said, this is a very expensive surgery. So..I have decided to have a "Top Surgery Party" to help make this dream a reality. And I am asking for your help, in whatever ways you all might be able to contribute. Donations of any size will go a long way.

1. One way to help: Is to donate money to your right ------>
2. Another way to help is:  to donate goods/services to raffle/auction off at the party or help out at the event or post surgery. Fill out the form (Help in a non-monetary way) above.

The party date and location: Details to follow at the end of October but will be sometime between Nov. 30th- December 8th. Hope you will all be able to make it.

No matter what, I appreciate you taking the time to read this! 

Much Love,

Milo (aka Bullet)